I put down my book to write this. Anyone who knows me knows that this is a big fat no for me. If I am reading, I am reading. The idea of being interpreted from the delicious reprieve into my own mind, is not exactly one I relish and tends to make me more than a little snappy. Sometimes bitey. And a lot of attitude to mix in there. Yeah… It’s not pretty. But I digress.
Today though, today I had to put it down, and I had to process what I had just read. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and then some. I knew I had to take some time with it, and process it because ultimately, I know myself and I know that as quickly as it hits me, it will leave me if I don’t honor it. So here we are. This will probably not be eloquent, and perfectly lay out the way it’s supposed to and I am just going to put my thoughts down as they come. So, be ready.
Or don’t.
Genuinely don’t care to be honest.
I am reading Sacred Sex by Gabriela Herstik. Amazing book, highly recommend.
I mean I have never seen a book about sex encourage me to watch porn, so it officially has my vote. Just saying.
She began talking about no’s and honoring your nos. That is well and good, and I love that. So here for it. What struck me was the line where she said “The word no isn’t often celebrated. Many people take it as a personal attack. But the truth is that engaging with a no is a radical act of aligning with your truth.”
Hold the mother fucking phone.
That adds.
That gives more.
Not takes away.
The no…. adds to the situation?
Can someone please make the math, math… please.
I don’t actually know where the idea that no subtracts to the situation rather than adds to it began. I am not talking about just sexually either though it is a contributing factor. But in life in general. I understand the value of no in your business and the value of no in your sexual relationships those are easy. But life? Maybe it was because my parents said no far more often than they said yes? Maybe because I devalued myself to the point of nauseum for so long that I didn’t even know myself. So no made me an empty hollow creature? Maybe because the word no has always made me feel like a shackle being left on my arm, just waiting for someone to pull it and take away my desires. I don’t know. Maybe a little mix of all the things and somehow, we ended up here.
But the me in the here and now, really does not enjoy a no. I mean I have mad respect for the word. I would never push a boundary set by someone, really anyone, but the least of which someone I love. I would never take away their choices and what does and does not feel good for them. But it always stings a little. Raises the head of a beast in me that makes me what to scream. I wrangle that bitch down and stomp on her fucking head every single time. No exceptions. But fuck if she isn’t real. She revels in freedom and no boundaries, and the ability to fly untethered. And it flares up so desperately because often times, I can see there resounding no, as a weight they carry that can be lifted, not something that truly benefits them.
But this idea that no is a good thing. The right thing. A thing that can allow me to come in closer connection with what is right and good for my life right now? Not even going to try to lie to you, I rejected it entirely.
The more logical part of mind sees, that is truth. The logical and practical part of my mind is often lacking. I prefer to take a dreamier approach to life, that if you want something bad enough, it’ll all just work out in the end. And since that usually works for me, I am going to run with it. It probably works because the people around me are far more practical and scramble to make it all work as I bulldoze my way through making shit happen. But still. I can see that truth plain as day.
No is good. Boundaries set by the people in your life add to the dynamic, add to the fun and joy and pleasure. Gives more. It takes nothing away. Simply aligns things closer to truth. Closer to what is actually good, and right, and pleasurable. Hasn’t that been true in my own life? When the people around me create boundaries that feel right, and I adjust, and then things are… much better. And its worked in reverse where I set a boundary and the people in my life adjust, and thing end up being… much better.
I could always see that. Its why I am so willing to battle myself over that shit every single time. It aligns life so fully and so completely. But there is a part of me that always wonders what it would be like if no wasn’t an option. And my family just attacked life so fully and so forcefully that nothing stands in the way. Were we didn’t hold each other back and just let ourselves have everything.
Its why I ended up in the type of relationship I am currently in. And I am still so fucking thankful for that freedom. I feel more myself to be allowed freedom in the way I interact with the people around me.
So while I see the truth in it. And I want to work so hard to see the no’s that are presented to me as radical opportunity of alignment. I also always want to be cautious of my no’s. I want to look at them closely and make sure they are in true alignment. Because I kind of think… life was for the yes. Life is for the dream. Life is for action and pushing and moving and growing.
I don’t want to say no just because it is uncomfortable, and I wish more people were like that. Because I think that if no brings alignment, Then the people attacking life with you, have to be self-aware enough to know if it’s no because it’s scary or a no because it really is a no. Because a real one, yes, I can see that as being so life giving and even freeing! Looking at no as a shift, makes it all come into a line for me. I can see that. But if the no is based in fear, or worry, or self-sabotage? How does that really help anyone or anything?
Obviously, this in varying degrees based on the situation. But I kind of wish we lived in a world where yes was valued so much more than it is. Pushing boundaries and allowing self-growth in the way of experiences. When our children want to do something, we say yes as often as possible. Then when it’s a no, they understand the value and the weight of it more steadily. When opportunity comes our way, it’s a resounding yes. So, when your intuition tells you it’s a no, your more ready to honor yourself in that way.
I think what I am getting at. Is No, and yes, both need to be honored and respected as much as we can. Because the more value we place on one, the less value the other holds. And both are so fucking important. More important than I gave it credit for.
