Body Print by Dusan Rakic
This actually stopped me dead in my tracks. I found it on Pinterest, of all things. Of course, I was looking for a new bathtime recipe… I like to do magic with my baths… but this lovely piece of art was just sitting there all innocent like it wasn’t about to shake up my entire night.
I just stared for a moment, Unsure what was shifting in me, but man alive, was it shifting. *cough cough* if anyone wanted to drop a few hundred bucks on me, I wouldn’t exactly be sad about it.
The colors, the lines, the raw emotion, the way the city blurs into obscurity. This painting is my vibe for sure, and it’s absolutely stunning.
Story time
The light bulb moment for me was the moment I realized the energy that was coming over me. I’ve only experienced this energy a few times in my life. It’s elusive for me, and yet I chase it constantly. Every time I get close, well… we add another thing. But it reminded me of one time in particular.
I had this experience when I lived out in the country down south. I had no neighbors at all (which, by the way, is one of the most freeing things in the world, and I cannot wait to get back to it), and we were having a classic late spring storm. Let me tell you, a southern storm is entirely different than what we experience up here in the PNW. The rain comes down in the biggest droplets, there is usually thunder and lightning, and when the wind comes in…. girl. #Fullstop
But I had just taken my pup on a nice long, like four-mile walk while the storm had calmed down a bit. So I could make sure he was well exercised, poor guy was used to basically living his life outside with me most days. But of course, the rain started right in the last half mile of that walk. So, I turned off the device that keeps a perimeter around us (He was always off-leash, and I just used an electric fence that would beep when he got too far away) and let him run home, because of course, the thunder started up to, and despite his name, Thor is terrified of the thunder.
He ran, and thankfully, I could see him get underneath the covered porch of the house. I could feel myself at this point being drawn to do something else entirely. But, like, I had a job to do. When I caught up to him and let him into the house, I got him all dried and gave him a chew toy. He went and curled up next to the fire I had going in the wood stove. And once everything was quiet again, this overwhelming desire to go back outside came over me like none other. At this point in my life, my days were all intuitively led, so I was really in ‘flow’ pretty much no matter what I was doing or what was going on. Which really means I was used to that intuitive pull, I had been practicing it all day, every day.
By the time I got back out there, though, the sun was setting, leaving the scene this dark sort of muddled shade of grey. The rain had picked up so thickly that small streams of water were already forming in the dirt road. I took a deep breath on the porch, protected from the worst of it, and let the smell of wet earth and rain fill me to the brim. Grounding myself there. There is truly nothing like a really good storm in the south.
The thought process behind all my clothes coming off? I am not even really fucking sure when I had made that choice. One minute I was breathing deeply, the next, I thought, “Fuck it” and all the clothes were coming off. I ran into the storm, fully naked, and just stood there, my face lifted to the sky as the water instantly soaked me entirely. It’s worse than getting into a shower… walking out in a storm like that. It is instantaneous. The lightning kept cracking right over me (Yes, it was a close storm, no, this was not safe; I am so aware, and it was worth it), casting light through my eyelids occasionally. It felt raw and powerful. Like all the power that was coming down upon the earth was coming right through me.
Enigmatic, stunning, absolutely brilliant.
But that is not even the energy that I am talking about. After a moment, I kept getting this word pounding through my head. Surrender. I didn’t even know what that meant in this context. I was just standing in a storm, totally naked and enjoying this energy that Mother Nature had provided. To me this is surrender. What could I possibly need to do to surrender?
I ended up moving over to the grass and sat down, letting my head lift back up to the sky, never having left that grounded, really heightened, good energy. I was absolutly in love. And I just meditated on surrender. Didnt try to force the thought in any direction, just let myself be fully present with the idea.
And this weird thing happened. I never really figured it out, but I was calm. The energy had settled inside of me. Still just as powerful, but it was as if it was a part of me, not just moving through me anymore. I smiled into the storm, beyond thankful and allowed. Surrendered, let this big energy have a home inside of me, and just…. sat there. It’s a hard thing to explain, really. But it was as if I could just be there with all of it. Entirely in the moment. Soaring, and yet grounded, chaotic, and yet peaceful, frightened at times, in the biggest fucking way… especially when the thunder would hit so hard it felt like the earth was shaking, and the lightning would strike at the same time… and yet calm.
I could hold so many realities at the same time. So many powerful things, and I could just be with them. It was an amazing experience. A different level of surrender. A beautiful, expansive, and delicious level of surrender.
My thoughts
So anyway. That’s the story of how I figured out what I have been chasing for the last few months. I didn’t know what I was looking for, and I think that’s a lot of the reason that this season has been so tumultuous. Why can’t I seem to settle? Because I was fighting for something that didn’t have a name. Surrender, truly, and fully. Though…. That sure sounds a lot easier in theory than in actual practice.
Thanks Dusan Rakic. For clearing a few things up for me.
