Good morning lovlies!

Or good…. whatever part of the day you are hanging out in. Lol. It’s morning for me. Three cups of coffee in, more caffeine than I have had in a hot minute… It’s just so fucking good and comforting. Some days I need it. And let’s be so honest… my ADHD needs it. #GiveMeDopamineOrGiveMeDeath

Anyway, today I want to talk about something different. I have this series I am working on, but a simple project just got bigger and bigger and now I am working on siting sources and digging a little deeper… and well, it took on a life of its own. Before I knew it, way more time had passed than was necessary. Sorry about that! I am working on consistency with this.

It’s a challenge because it is truly a creative process for me, and creativity does not like having a schedule naturally. But I’m getting there. Bear with me. In the meantime, let’s get a little vulnerable for a second *Eye roll* Cool? Cool.

Getting what you need.

I am working on my Muludhara, or better known as the Root Chakra. This was my initial way of starting my healing journey. I am so thankful that this is how I did things because it allowed me to understand the way that I hold my energy in my body. It allowed me to go deep and pull the issues I saw popping up in my life at the root and deal with the initial trauma…. that was causing so many other traumas to pile on top. And then the rest just made sense, and guess what? Those things stopped popping up. It allows me ownership of my life, rather than existing in it as a victim. It allowed me to better understand myself and KNOW myself.

The Muludhara is the Foundation. It is the internal I AM. This is, in its healed and open form, the deep understanding that there is nothing to fear. I have needs, and it is okay for me to ask for those needs to be met. It is security and stability.

When it’s blocked, it is the inability to stabilize emotionally or physically, or both. It is cheating on your partner, or getting cheated on. Chronic Chaos. Getting things, then loosing things. Get a job loose a job. Paranoia about your future and bigger entities like the Government, IRS, or CPS. Etc.

Basically, It sucks. The initial wound? Fear. Fear that your needs will not be met.

Generally, this wound happens EARLY on in life. Even at birth. The Western way of having children involves having the very first memory we receive to be of lights that are way too bright, a multitude of people staring at you, that you have no connection to. It’s cold, and devoid of love and nourishment, even if you get that very soon afterward. The needs of that infant are co-regulation and safety. Something that they don’t generally get for quite a bit of time

It doesn’t help that the normal way of parenting is also devoid of co-regulation and understanding. We view children as being this thing that needs constant control, and when that control slips, they are met with domineering, authoritative action. We tend to forget that they are a whole ass person. A person who experiences very real, very big emotions and desires that they are learning how to navigate through our actions toward them. Because it is brand new. And they do not have the veil between the conscious and the subconscious that tells them how to respond to things.

The problem I am having

I want this to be a post where I tell you how to heal, and tell you how brilliant it is. Unfortunately for me, this is going to be just a really raw and vulnerable moment. Thumbs down. I hate this. Do not recommend it.

And the truth is, it is so brilliant. I could tell you how I did it the first time. Which was one hell of a story. It was my very first time doing any kind of Chakra work, and let’s just say… I was curled in a ball on my living floor, sobbing. Then it was more energy work, and yoga, and chanting, and affirmations and all the things. But it was a FUCKING trip dude.

However, I did a tarot pull about the root Chakra, to help me better understand what it was that I was targeting.

And it has to do with growing up poor. We went through a lot of different phases growing up. Times of abundance and times of rather extreme lack. Long story short. I have a rather deep-rooted fear of abundance. I didn’t even know that I had this.

But it has shown up for me over and over again. Again, I didn’t realize that was the problem. I just thought I had this desire to attain my abundance in a very specific kind of way. I was, and truthfully still am, entirely willing for that to take however long it’s going to take.

My mind was so narrowed around abundance. Financially, emotionally, relationally, etc. The thing is, I have even expanded so much in those areas! I have learned and grown so much. and yet, I just simply could not let myself truly have it. Something always came up that made me turn from whatever path I was on.

I didn’t go with the book deal because I didn’t have creative freedom over my own art. Missing out on a GOOD chunk of money and public recognition that would have allowed me new freedoms. I got out of insurance because it was sucking the life out of me despite the fact that I was making more money than I ever had, and there was an opportunity there to make it a whole-ass career. A career that would have given me the six-figure type of income in a very short period of time because I was honestly really good it. I let trauma cloud my ability to interact with someone that I could have actually really loved and had an epic relationship with, rather than just admitting at the moment that I was having a hard time. I was so ready to just let it go. And honestly have.

I am just looking at all those things in a new light now. And more.

Differing thoughts.

This is a hard wound for me to admit exists. Honestly, anything that happens with the Muludhara is hard for me because it requires a level of vulnerability that has always been a challenge for me. There is a part of my mind that still really feels as though those choices were good. Maybe not the relationship one. But the rest were good choices. At least it feels like that to me.

Usually, when I hit a wound, I can see where I went wrong, and I can just admit that those things were so good for me at the moment with what I was facing, but that I no longer needed it.

But they still feel like good choices. Is that true because they saved me from living a life I didn’t want? Or were they good choices because they kept me feeling safe and my Muludhara was blocked? My lack of clarity in this thing is more challenging than I can even express. I know that if I sit down and get into a really good meditative space about it, I can do the fucking thing. I will figure it out. But when I try to meditate, there is so much fear around it, and my mind goes in a HUNDRED different direction.

This is new you guys! And I am not a fucking fan. Healing has always been something that I am so open to and so open to having my mind radically changed. Admitting that I am wrong, and need to work on something is like a fucking cakewalk if I am honest. Personal growth is kind of my jam.

So why is this thing so hard? And why I am so fucking blocked about it? I can’t even get into neutral space, which if I am honest, I typically am really into. More than that in full transparency, I need it daily or I go a little crazy.

I am writing this, and just being honest about it, because my natural reaction is just to sort of let it go. It doesn’t need to be looked at anymore, it causes too much discord. And I am over it.

This is a sentiment that I have been in for a few weeks. This is too hard, and I am overwhelemed, so I am just going to bounce. Bali here I come. Sand, and sun, and working odd jobs to pay for a little apartment on the water. Living out my days in pure simplicity. Forget that I have family, friends, and partners. I LOVE my life. I love the people in my life. I love everything about my life. So why do I want to just bounce because there is a hardship that exists? Why do I want to run away? And is it all aligned? Is this why I felt such a strong desire to realign and work through my chakras again? Does it all come down to this deep-rooted fear that exists inside of me? That abundance is not safe.

Fuck, I need someone to slap me. Or kiss me. Or shake me. Or better yet, just tell me the answer. Because I am pretty sure that my head is going to explode.

Being in it.

I have found that sometimes, I just need to be in the mess for a minute to find my way out of the mess. And as much as I want to say that I have an easy answer for this, right now, I don’t.

So, the only answer I have is to allow myself the space to be in it. Understand that I am going to be uncomfortable for a minute, and get comfortable with that friction. Make friends with it. Understand it better than anyone else ever good. See its nuances, so that I can start to really look at it through a different lens, and allow the healing to happen. I get that. And there are some of you here, that are going to read this, and know exactly what it is that I need to do, and point out the discord, and you are probably right.

The problem that I have with that, and it is something I run into with other people all the time, is that you know it, and it being so obvious to you does not actually help me. It just makes me feel dumb for not knowing my own mind. And that creates a different problem altogether that also exasperates the existing problem.

Having someone else point out my issues can be such a beautiful thing, and I am thankful for those moments when things really do click.

But this is something I need to do for myself. Something I need to find the answers to. And do the work that it requires. There is no getting around it. No right answer. Just work. As much as I would love to run from that work, I know my mind well enough to understand that it is just hard, and I am learning to expand. And really, there is nothing I want more than that. So…. Here we go.

Thank you for reading my little break down. You are amazing.