Vices are amazing.
We love vices.
Or at least I do.
Weed, alcohol, sex, sleep, television, shopping, etc.
They are all delightfully good.
The problem is, these are all distractions. There is nothing wrong with distractions. Sometimes, we need them. Sometimes, the problems are so big, the stress is so all-consuming, and the emotions are so big that distracting the mind for a little while is really a very good thing.
Unfortunately, we don’t tend to leave it there. We just keep giving in to the distractions, using these vices as an excuse not to actually face anything. We have to in order to evolve. We have to be willing to face the harder emotions that feel really big and really hard.
This is a place for deep, deep healing. If you’re not ready for that, no worries! Come back for the next one.
Why?
Remember all my posts about the way we develop, and how we attain our trauma? I’ll link one here just in case you haven’t. I don’t want to explain it all again.
In a nutshell, our minds and bodies are not set up to cope with fear. So, when we experience fear, we create a framework of what is and is not safe. This is pretty hard for future us to cope with because often, the things our minds deem unsafe are the things that will make us the happiest and give us the most pure joy in the future. Anytime this injured part of the mind is triggered, it gives an emotion of sorts. Fear, anger, mistrust, etc. And we use vices to ignore it. and thus, ignore the opportunity sitting in front of us.
In order to grow, and evolve, in order to find true peace, those hard emotions have to be sat with. They need to be understood, so we can find the root and dig that shit out.
No one wants to be broken forever. But facing those things can feel like the biggest and hardest thing we will ever do.
Honestly, I would rather face just about anything than to sit with my own vulnerabilities. There was a point in my life, I was willing to shut down absolutely everything in order to do exactly that. Became a tough, hard, shell of a woman who was in control, and sure of my every move. Blindly sure…. I made a lot of mistakes.
How?
I am not just going to tell you that you need to sit with your demons. Although I am doing that, sit there, make friends with them, get comfortable with being extremely uncomfortable. It’s important. But I am also going to tell you how. Because it is easy to say these things, it is entirely different to actually do them. If you would like to go through this one-on-one, go ahead and shoot me a private message, and we can talk about a one-on-one plan.
The next time that you feel the overwhelming desire to give into one of your vices, whatever that may be, alcohol, weed, TV, etc, pause. Take a moment and check in with your body. Where are you tight, what is happening in your mind? Where is the emotion living?
The really interesting thing is that sometimes, what we are actually feeling is bored and lost, and lonely. There are so many reasons this could be coming up, but the truth is, we do not have to live there. If that is the life you want, then you do your thing. But I will ask you, what do you actually want? Sometimes, dealing with this shit is just being radically honest with yourself, and admitting that you want something entirely different.
When you have an idea of what is happening, turn your attention. This is tricky because everyone is so different. For me, this is getting comfortable physically. I like to grab a blanket and get warm. Find my favorite pen, and my journal, and start writing. Sometimes, for me, it is self-care, like an everything shower, with light peaceful music. Or a walk next to the water, as the sun is going down if I have the option. These are things that would usually bring me comfort, and make me feel physically comfortable.
So before you even attempt this, have a plan.
The actual hard part.
What makes you the most comfortable, the most peaceful? Be ready to do those things in these moments, even if you really don’t want to. The truth is, you may be in this zone for an hour, but you may also be here for days. Everyone is different; every trauma and defining misbelief is different, and the way you relate to it is going to be different. Find comfort through it! Be nice to yourself through it, either way.
Doing something about it? Facing it? Doing what you have to do and being a little more brave about it? Yeah, that shit is fucking hard. In some cases, it is impossibly hard. These things, these emotions, these vices, they are the only thing that makes any sense. The only thing protecting what is undoubtedly a rather squishy heart. So digging a little deeper and truly facing it can feel daunting and big, but it’s really not. It’s a thing that happened. You can’t change it, you can’t make it different. You can’t go back in time. The only thing you can do is admit that it exists and be willing to do something about it.
So then, let your mind settle on the emotion that you are feeling or grouping of emotions. Spend some time with them, and trace the emotion back as far as you can. Not the circumstance you are currently in, but the emotion.
Simple. And yet, challenging, because the biggest part of this, is the way you follow these emotions. There is a lot of shame that comes with this, and a lot of fear and anxiety and a lot of self-hate usually. The trick, that makes that truly work and feel good, is the ability to meet each and every one of those things with love and compassion. Meet it with understanding, with a firm understanding that you are human, and you are seeing these things with so much love and compassion.
Yes this works.
Every time
Objectively.
Then what?
[I feel a need to disclaimer this part, if you are dealing with very big, and really challenging things, and you have the desire to do this, it would be wise to find someone to walk through this with you. Some wounds deserve to be dealt with, with far more care, and love, so you can be met externally, if internally you can’t find it. It’s important to feel ready for something like this and to be really well-grounded. Which will absolutely be the topic of a future blog post]
Now that you know where this comes from. Tell yourself the truth. What is the truth about wherever this comes from? I can say, pretty emphatically, that this will go back to Childhood. Why? That is where all of our core traumas exist. So this often comes with telling the truth about a simple mind that had no veil between the conscious and the subconscious and experienced things at absolute max volume every minute of their day. Good, bad, chaotic, hard, joyful, all of it at one hundred percent. Which means now you do too.
Tricky tricky!
Because our natural desire is to go inward usually. Why you were wrong, and why you deserved it, or that you are just so unlovable that this is okay.
Fuck that.
No.
We don’t do that
We tell the truth. What was really happening?
There is a Toltec wisdom that, when summarized, says to take nothing personal. You can find so much information out there about self-limiting beliefs. But what I love about the Toltec wisdom, is that it wastes no time. They do not bother meeting anyone where they are, but rather get down to the heart of things, and present themselves in their raw honest form. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called The Four Agreements. Highly recommend. I’ll link it below
But, we don’t take anything personally. The things that led to our traumas very rarely had anything to do with us. And everything to do with the agreements the other person had made with the world and about themselves. Truly, they had their own traumas and agreements they had made to survive as well. That’s why going into this with so much love and compassion is crucial. It allows you to get the whole picture.
When you allow yourself to sit with it long enough in this way, this really amazing thing seems to happen. I have experienced this so many times. I have walked with others through this so many times that I can say with my whole chest…. this will happen. Give it enough time. But this shift happens inside of you. Where the emotion is something you recognize as being a part of you, and the way that you exist, but it doesn’t have to run the show.
Because in reality?
That was a thing that happened, and it sucked. It was hard.
But I don’t need this behavior from it. It’s not necessary. I’m smarter now. I understand better now. I have more power now. I do not need that limiting belief.
And If I dont need the limiting belief….
I dont need the safty.
If I dont need the safty….
I don’t need the distraction.
Because the truth is? I’m okay.
