Vices are amazing.

We love vices.

Or at least I do.

Weed, alcohol, sex, sleep, television, shopping, etc.

They are all delightfully good.

The problem is, these are all distractions. There is nothing wrong with distractions. Sometimes, we need them. Sometimes, the problems are so big, the stress is so all-consuming, and the emotions are so big that distracting the mind for a little while is really a very good thing.

Unfortunately, we don’t tend to leave it there. We just keep giving in to the distractions, using these vices as an excuse not to actually face anything. We have to in order to evolve. We have to be willing to face the harder emotions that feel really big and really hard.

This is a place for deep, deep healing. If you’re not ready for that, no worries! Come back for the next one.

Why?

Remember all my posts about the way we develop, and how we attain our trauma? I’ll link one here just in case you haven’t. I don’t want to explain it all again.

In a nutshell, our minds and bodies are not set up to cope with fear. So, when we experience fear, we create a framework of what is and is not safe. This is pretty hard for future us to cope with because often, the things our minds deem unsafe are the things that will make us the happiest and give us the most pure joy in the future. Anytime this injured part of the mind is triggered, it gives an emotion of sorts. Fear, anger, mistrust, etc. And we use vices to ignore it. and thus, ignore the opportunity sitting in front of us.

In order to grow, and evolve, in order to find true peace, those hard emotions have to be sat with. They need to be understood, so we can find the root and dig that shit out.

No one wants to be broken forever. But facing those things can feel like the biggest and hardest thing we will ever do.

Honestly, I would rather face just about anything than to sit with my own vulnerabilities. There was a point in my life, I was willing to shut down absolutely everything in order to do exactly that. Became a tough, hard, shell of a woman who was in control, and sure of my every move. Blindly sure…. I made a lot of mistakes.

How?

I am not just going to tell you that you need to sit with your demons. Although I am doing that, sit there, make friends with them, get comfortable with being extremely uncomfortable. It’s important. But I am also going to tell you how. Because it is easy to say these things, it is entirely different to actually do them. If you would like to go through this one-on-one, go ahead and shoot me a private message, and we can talk about a one-on-one plan.

The next time that you feel the overwhelming desire to give into one of your vices, whatever that may be, alcohol, weed, TV, etc, pause. Take a moment and check in with your body. Where are you tight, what is happening in your mind? Where is the emotion living?

The really interesting thing is that sometimes, what we are actually feeling is bored and lost, and lonely. There are so many reasons this could be coming up, but the truth is, we do not have to live there. If that is the life you want, then you do your thing. But I will ask you, what do you actually want? Sometimes, dealing with this shit is just being radically honest with yourself, and admitting that you want something entirely different.

When you have an idea of what is happening, turn your attention. This is tricky because everyone is so different. For me, this is getting comfortable physically. I like to grab a blanket and get warm. Find my favorite pen, and my journal, and start writing. Sometimes, for me, it is self-care, like an everything shower, with light peaceful music. Or a walk next to the water, as the sun is going down if I have the option. These are things that would usually bring me comfort, and make me feel physically comfortable.

So before you even attempt this, have a plan.

The actual hard part.

What makes you the most comfortable, the most peaceful? Be ready to do those things in these moments, even if you really don’t want to. The truth is, you may be in this zone for an hour, but you may also be here for days. Everyone is different; every trauma and defining misbelief is different, and the way you relate to it is going to be different. Find comfort through it! Be nice to yourself through it, either way.

Doing something about it? Facing it? Doing what you have to do and being a little more brave about it? Yeah, that shit is fucking hard. In some cases, it is impossibly hard. These things, these emotions, these vices, they are the only thing that makes any sense. The only thing protecting what is undoubtedly a rather squishy heart. So digging a little deeper and truly facing it can feel daunting and big, but it’s really not. It’s a thing that happened. You can’t change it, you can’t make it different. You can’t go back in time. The only thing you can do is admit that it exists and be willing to do something about it.

So then, let your mind settle on the emotion that you are feeling or grouping of emotions. Spend some time with them, and trace the emotion back as far as you can. Not the circumstance you are currently in, but the emotion.

Simple. And yet, challenging, because the biggest part of this, is the way you follow these emotions. There is a lot of shame that comes with this, and a lot of fear and anxiety and a lot of self-hate usually. The trick, that makes that truly work and feel good, is the ability to meet each and every one of those things with love and compassion. Meet it with understanding, with a firm understanding that you are human, and you are seeing these things with so much love and compassion.

Yes this works.

Every time

Objectively.

Then what?

[I feel a need to disclaimer this part, if you are dealing with very big, and really challenging things, and you have the desire to do this, it would be wise to find someone to walk through this with you. Some wounds deserve to be dealt with, with far more care, and love, so you can be met externally, if internally you can’t find it. It’s important to feel ready for something like this and to be really well-grounded. Which will absolutely be the topic of a future blog post]

Now that you know where this comes from. Tell yourself the truth. What is the truth about wherever this comes from? I can say, pretty emphatically, that this will go back to Childhood. Why? That is where all of our core traumas exist. So this often comes with telling the truth about a simple mind that had no veil between the conscious and the subconscious and experienced things at absolute max volume every minute of their day. Good, bad, chaotic, hard, joyful, all of it at one hundred percent. Which means now you do too.

Tricky tricky!

Because our natural desire is to go inward usually. Why you were wrong, and why you deserved it, or that you are just so unlovable that this is okay.

Fuck that.

No.

We don’t do that

We tell the truth. What was really happening?

There is a Toltec wisdom that, when summarized, says to take nothing personal. You can find so much information out there about self-limiting beliefs. But what I love about the Toltec wisdom, is that it wastes no time. They do not bother meeting anyone where they are, but rather get down to the heart of things, and present themselves in their raw honest form. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called The Four Agreements. Highly recommend. I’ll link it below

But, we don’t take anything personally. The things that led to our traumas very rarely had anything to do with us. And everything to do with the agreements the other person had made with the world and about themselves. Truly, they had their own traumas and agreements they had made to survive as well. That’s why going into this with so much love and compassion is crucial. It allows you to get the whole picture.

When you allow yourself to sit with it long enough in this way, this really amazing thing seems to happen. I have experienced this so many times. I have walked with others through this so many times that I can say with my whole chest…. this will happen. Give it enough time. But this shift happens inside of you. Where the emotion is something you recognize as being a part of you, and the way that you exist, but it doesn’t have to run the show.

Because in reality?

That was a thing that happened, and it sucked. It was hard.

But I don’t need this behavior from it. It’s not necessary. I’m smarter now. I understand better now. I have more power now. I do not need that limiting belief.

And If I dont need the limiting belief….

I dont need the safty.

If I dont need the safty….

I don’t need the distraction.

Because the truth is? I’m okay.

Link

Body Print by Dusan Rakic

This actually stopped me dead in my tracks. I found it on Pinterest, of all things. Of course, I was looking for a new bathtime recipe… I like to do magic with my baths… but this lovely piece of art was just sitting there all innocent like it wasn’t about to shake up my entire night.

I just stared for a moment, Unsure what was shifting in me, but man alive, was it shifting. *cough cough* if anyone wanted to drop a few hundred bucks on me, I wouldn’t exactly be sad about it.

The colors, the lines, the raw emotion, the way the city blurs into obscurity. This painting is my vibe for sure, and it’s absolutely stunning.

Story time

The light bulb moment for me was the moment I realized the energy that was coming over me. I’ve only experienced this energy a few times in my life. It’s elusive for me, and yet I chase it constantly. Every time I get close, well… we add another thing. But it reminded me of one time in particular.

I had this experience when I lived out in the country down south. I had no neighbors at all (which, by the way, is one of the most freeing things in the world, and I cannot wait to get back to it), and we were having a classic late spring storm. Let me tell you, a southern storm is entirely different than what we experience up here in the PNW. The rain comes down in the biggest droplets, there is usually thunder and lightning, and when the wind comes in…. girl. #Fullstop

But I had just taken my pup on a nice long, like four-mile walk while the storm had calmed down a bit. So I could make sure he was well exercised, poor guy was used to basically living his life outside with me most days. But of course, the rain started right in the last half mile of that walk. So, I turned off the device that keeps a perimeter around us (He was always off-leash, and I just used an electric fence that would beep when he got too far away) and let him run home, because of course, the thunder started up to, and despite his name, Thor is terrified of the thunder.

He ran, and thankfully, I could see him get underneath the covered porch of the house. I could feel myself at this point being drawn to do something else entirely. But, like, I had a job to do. When I caught up to him and let him into the house, I got him all dried and gave him a chew toy. He went and curled up next to the fire I had going in the wood stove. And once everything was quiet again, this overwhelming desire to go back outside came over me like none other. At this point in my life, my days were all intuitively led, so I was really in ‘flow’ pretty much no matter what I was doing or what was going on. Which really means I was used to that intuitive pull, I had been practicing it all day, every day.

By the time I got back out there, though, the sun was setting, leaving the scene this dark sort of muddled shade of grey. The rain had picked up so thickly that small streams of water were already forming in the dirt road. I took a deep breath on the porch, protected from the worst of it, and let the smell of wet earth and rain fill me to the brim. Grounding myself there. There is truly nothing like a really good storm in the south.

The thought process behind all my clothes coming off? I am not even really fucking sure when I had made that choice. One minute I was breathing deeply, the next, I thought, “Fuck it” and all the clothes were coming off. I ran into the storm, fully naked, and just stood there, my face lifted to the sky as the water instantly soaked me entirely. It’s worse than getting into a shower… walking out in a storm like that. It is instantaneous. The lightning kept cracking right over me (Yes, it was a close storm, no, this was not safe; I am so aware, and it was worth it), casting light through my eyelids occasionally. It felt raw and powerful. Like all the power that was coming down upon the earth was coming right through me.

Enigmatic, stunning, absolutely brilliant.

But that is not even the energy that I am talking about. After a moment, I kept getting this word pounding through my head. Surrender. I didn’t even know what that meant in this context. I was just standing in a storm, totally naked and enjoying this energy that Mother Nature had provided. To me this is surrender. What could I possibly need to do to surrender?

I ended up moving over to the grass and sat down, letting my head lift back up to the sky, never having left that grounded, really heightened, good energy. I was absolutly in love. And I just meditated on surrender. Didnt try to force the thought in any direction, just let myself be fully present with the idea.

And this weird thing happened. I never really figured it out, but I was calm. The energy had settled inside of me. Still just as powerful, but it was as if it was a part of me, not just moving through me anymore. I smiled into the storm, beyond thankful and allowed. Surrendered, let this big energy have a home inside of me, and just…. sat there. It’s a hard thing to explain, really. But it was as if I could just be there with all of it. Entirely in the moment. Soaring, and yet grounded, chaotic, and yet peaceful, frightened at times, in the biggest fucking way… especially when the thunder would hit so hard it felt like the earth was shaking, and the lightning would strike at the same time… and yet calm.

I could hold so many realities at the same time. So many powerful things, and I could just be with them. It was an amazing experience. A different level of surrender. A beautiful, expansive, and delicious level of surrender.

My thoughts

So anyway. That’s the story of how I figured out what I have been chasing for the last few months. I didn’t know what I was looking for, and I think that’s a lot of the reason that this season has been so tumultuous. Why can’t I seem to settle? Because I was fighting for something that didn’t have a name. Surrender, truly, and fully. Though…. That sure sounds a lot easier in theory than in actual practice.

Thanks Dusan Rakic. For clearing a few things up for me.

You read that right. There is joy in rock bottom

I said what I meant, and I meant what I said.

The thing is, nothing is inherently bad or inherently good. Everything is neutral until given context. I mean EVERYTHING. Drugs? Neutral. Sex? Neutral. Love? Neutral. And rock bottom is truly neutral.

The reason we have so much sadness there, and it feels so impactful is because all of our trauma, defining misbeliefs, and insecurities are being poked and prodded by absolutely everything in our lives. Even if that is simply loneliness.

Life is school. Everything in life is a reflection of yourself. The energy that you hold, is the energy you will attract. So when things are happening, it is a direct reflection of what is inside. And that can be a really fucking scary place to meet yourself at.

So, why is this joyful.

I say all of that like it’s the easiest thing in the entire world. Like being faced with everything broken and unhealed in you is easy as pie. It’s not. I know that. I have faced enough of my demons, chased down my own patterns, and been in enough extraordinarily dark places, to know that there is nothing fun about that.

Fun and joy are two different things. Maybe it is because I am a writer, and I love a really good story. But at the end of the day, there is nothing like a really good redemption arch. There is nothing as beautiful and raw and delicious as someone who is in a space that is uncomfortable and left with the choice to face it or drown.

We all struggle to face the truth when our life looks pretty good. When there is a relationship, and a job, and we are surviving. The truth is, we choose these things and cling to them with a death grip, because deep down, we believe that survival is all there really is. But when even that goes, when everything is stripped away, and its just you standing there, you can see clearly where you went wrong.

All the things you didn’t want become so clear. What is even better, is when you can look at it long enough to realize WHY you chose it. And then take the time to heal that part of you, to choose something different. That is joyful, that is beautiful, that is true and undeniable love.

Love

Loving yourself enough to find joy and pleasure in every area of your life is a hard thing to accomplish. I am not going to lie to you. It feels damn hard because when you find yourself at rock bottom, its easy to dip into self loathing. When you start to see all of the things you have done to get you to this point, and take ownership of your life, its far to fucking easy to dip into self blaming.

The thing is, you sucked sometimes, yes. I sucked sometimes. Sometimes… I still do. That is again a beautiful part of being human. It’s all a part of the experience. If you can find love for the part of you that does shitty things, you also find the love for healing it.

That is the crazy thing about life. All the jobs and the careers, the relationships, the break ups, the swings that feel like your stomach may fall out of your body, all of it… it all comes down to love.

Self love, the love for others. And rock bottom is the place you find true unconditional love for yourself. There is joy in that. All you have to do is find it.

But what the fuck do I know? I am just a woman trying to make it.

Objectivly healing shame is tottally possible.

If shame is something you’re ready to battle. There are so many ways to battle it. There are objective ways that work for everyone. I truly believe that. But doing things this way was easier for me, allowed me to grow in more ways than one, and gave me the tools I needed to go deeper and understand better. The underlying idea is objective! So make it work for you!

May work for you. May not. We are all so different, and those differences are a good thing. My example was one of the easiest for me to be honest, there were a lot of situations that I had to grapple through, and that was a lot harder. But trust me when I say it works for EVERYTHING. We are healing shame objectively. It won’t be easy, but it is an easy process.

And hey, if you wanna work through something like this with me, I would love to help you out with this journey, book a one-on-one with me. https://elizabetheternal.com/creating-the-feminine-energy/

I had so much shame around the fact that I smoked weed.

But why did I have shame about that?

Its a natural plant. One that I still indulge in fairly regularly. Not like I did before. I am not looking to get fucked up. I just want to be able to function when I am in pain, and sleep well.

There was so much shame around Weed, that when I said to myself “This could help me with pain, and could make it easier for me to sleep. This could help me avoid narcotics and muscle relaxers.” Which by the way, I am really good at becoming dependent on…. It still took me two more years of suffering in silence and forcing myself to do things I shouldn’t have in order to avoid smoking a little bit of weed.

It got to the point that even when I did ‘give in’ and used it, I would have insane paranoia. Now I use that word lightly here. Because that is the technical term for it. But if felt more like anxiety. I would be worried about whether or not I was doing the right thing. What if someone needs me? Or what if someone calls me, and I feel like I have to answer, and then they will know that I smoked because I will be more relaxed than I usually am and then they will think that I am not doing well and I will have to explain my choice… and I really do not want to do that.

Shame. So much shame for simply doing something that was genuinely helping me. But let me make something so clear, even if I just wanted to be a little stoned because it sounded nice, there still shouldn’t be shame. But I digress. We are talking about healing Shame objectively.

Get on track Elizabeth!

So the the thing that was helping me, was not even an enjoyable thing, and I got sucked back into the same shame cycle.

But I could not tell anyone that was what was happening. Hell no! I am not that weak. I don’t need it damn it! Just be a little stronger next time, make sure you smoke a little less, and put more parameters around something that should just be a thing that I used responsibly because I am allowed to do things, simply because they are pleasurable.

I traced it way back. Gained a bit of polarity over the situation. I asked myself a few questions.

The Questions. Bum bum buuummmm

-What is the objective truth about this situation.

Or What is the objective truth about weed?

My answer – It’s morally neutral. This is a plant, that is used in a lot of ways and has been used in medicine for thousands of years by many different cultures. The morality of it comes in by the way it is used, and the way it affects your life and loved ones. It can be used as a crutch. It can be used to escape. You can get yourself into trouble with it. But it is not just that. There is a positive side. The morality lives in the responsibility of the person partaking.

-I still feel shame. Why? When did I first feel this way.

Or, I am experiencing shame surrounding using this tool. Why? When did I first feel this way about Weed? Do I view it as a drug the same as meth or Coke? Is this really just not a good choice for me for some reason, and if so, what is that reason? (Yes I know that’s a lot of questions all at once. I’ve been doing this hot second. the meditation on this sort of thing is easier now. Start simple.)

My answer – I traced it back to a specific instance when I was in the church. And a man who had been smoking for a few years confessed his ‘sin’ to the church. He was ridiculed for the wrong he had done, shamed, and belittled by a room full of people. They kept saying his actions were “Selfish” And that the use of it “Proved his distance from God”. In the same event, they praised him relentlessly for stepping away from it.

Looking back… this man had four kids, a full-time job, and many hobbies outside of his home. He invested in his children and would take one of them on some sort of outing solo every week so that he could have one-on-one time with each of them. Was seriously involved with his family. Was excelling in his position at work, and at the end of the day would relax with a joint, this felt like a serious overreaction. But I digress.

This didn’t feel like the root of it though. Just another branch of a deeper issue, so I dived deeper.

LOOOOng story short, I had associated needing help calming down, with being weak. Anything that was a crutch, a coping skill, or even needing a hug after a long day, was shameful and proved I was not a strong being. This was confirmed in my young adulthood by seeing a man who was using it as a tool, be ridiculed and shamed for needing help relaxing.

-Is that objectivly true?

My answer- No I didn’t deserve it when I was a child. He didn’t deserve it as an adult.

So now its time to talk about it.

It was at this point that yes, talking about the shame, felt really wrong, and I didn’t want to talk about it still, but It made it possible for me to do the thing. To just say it. Weed wasn’t the issue. Feeling like it was shameful for me to not have it one hundred percent together, one hundred percent of the time, was the cause. My not being in my feminine energy, and allowing myself to be soft, vulnerable, and beautiful for exactly what I am, was the cause.

What is so much more amazing, is that when I did, I realized how many people I knew also needed to talk about it. How, when I released my shame, I was helping other people do the same thing. It allowed for deeper connection with others, and for deeper truth and honesty to enter my relationships, platonic or otherwise. I was getting the mushy ooey gooey curse all over everything anymore.

And you know what else? I got to take a nap! I was able to have pain days, and still function and do the things I love, without wanting to to cry anymore. I was a little more free. I am a little more free.

So..

I am so going to drop some yummy comfortable things down below, that I now indulge in fucking shame-free. Things that I would have said are over indulgent and I don’t need them because that is for weak women. But also some tools I think could be helpful.

https://amzn.to/3VYJvYn – Heating pad

https://amzn.to/3zkJi92 -Seriously so good.

https://amzn.to/3RK5KP1 – Fuckless book. Delicous read

https://amzn.to/3VFBTbV – Pain killers.

https://amzn.to/3ziX4c7 – Law of attraction may as well be a classic at this point. It will help.

Shame is a curse, and the rule of the curse is you can’t talk about it.

I heard this line from a woman named Mami Onami. I have honestly learned, healed, and grown so much from her, go check her out. https://www.mamionami.com/safehouse I’ve taken a few of her courses as well when they were doing a monthly subscription. And… well… go take them.

This particular line has been running through my head on repeat. Shame is a POWERFUL thing that we are all carrying on some level. It’s a massive Charka block. For me, shame was and is something I struggle with, because it was weaponized a lot through my formative years, and heavily reinforced through my young adulthood. Of course, in typical human fashion, I was amazing at self-perpetuating it through the rest of my life. At least until the last few years.

When it was explained to me like that, something just clicked. It snapped into place for me, in a way I can’t explain. Shame is a curse. It infects everything. Dripping its oozy gross self all over every relationship, every quiet moment, and every behavior. Once I saw it like this, noticing the gross invader became easy. I could see that Shame was a curse plain and simple.

That does not mean that dealing with it is easy. Because it is one thing to know there is a curse, its another to actually do something about the curse.

And the funny thing is, the rule of the curse, is you can’t talk about it. Shame is really good at staying inside. Because it wouldn’t be a problem if you didn’t have a problem talking about it. This proved to be true for me. Talking about it, felt like there was a little gremlin sitting in my chest, refusing to let me breathe and stomping around my insides until I felt like a pulverized piece of meat. If that doesn’t sound dramatic I don’t know what it is.

But its the truth.

The big giant emotions around this could be exasperated by the fact that I am an Aries. And you know us aries, always worried about the way we are perceived.

Dealing with the Curse.

Dealing with this block or the curse of shame, has made me a far nicer person though. Because for me, I had to get to the bottom of it. I couldn’t just talk about the things I was ashamed of, there was no amount of trying to force myself to do it that was going to work. I had to understand why I felt that way, and I had this desire to prove that it was all just so bad for me to ever talk about and that I was right to hold it in.

I even had the thought that I could be the one person who could hold things in, and carry the shame, but also release the block. The pride in me was just too fucking much. I cringe at myself a little now.

Getting to the bottom of things, forced me to look at myself and admit that something was wrong in the first place! Admitting that there were parts of me, whole ass parts of my personality, of my life, of my past, and coping skills, that I pretty much liked to pretend didn’t exist. To accept them as a part of myself.

To accept them as a part of myself meant that I had to admit I was being judgmental about other people who were struggling with the same thing. Remember, that everything you judge you’re secretly jealous of. Which made me look at people and the human experience very differently.

People with addictions are hurting. People who don’t get their shit together, are getting exactly what they need from life. People still hanging out in religion, are not prepared to leave yet, they may never. And they are getting exactly what they need.

Go check out this page if you want to schedule one-on-one time to go over this more in a way that is personal to you. Or if you just want a safe place to talk about it. https://elizabetheternal.com/creating-the-feminine-energy/

So yeah.

Theere is just to much I wanna talk about on this subject. So come back for part two.

Also, for all my lovlie feminine energies out there. You do not need these things to heal, you really don’t. But if you are going to embark on something like this, please protect and nurture the feminine energy through this. It’s easy to dip too far into the masculine when dealing with structural energies. I’m going into that in the next post.

Do it like a women damn it!

So these are a few things that gave me comfort and reminded me to go slow. You do what you need to do.

https://amzn.to/3VWAdvI -Cozy blanket.

https://amzn.to/3VDxiXE -Warming things.

https://amzn.to/4evL2w6 – Crystals

I really am someone who is blown with the wind often.

Or at least I was. And sometimes, that part of my nature rears its head and makes its self so blatantly obvious, that it’s hard to ignore.

I am an adventurous creature. I get bored so unbelievably fast. I really love always having clear-cut accomplishables. When those are gone, and its just abstract big goals, I tend to loose track.

Haha we getting honest in this one. Well, I am anyway. *Insert weird face tongue sticky outty emoji here*

I almost hate admitting that. I just wanna get on here and be like ‘My life is so together and I am so cool’

But It’s not. So here we are.

Did I like just do a post about shame?

Okay I’m done spiraling.

For real though. I like to be challenged and pushed and have a yummy list daily. It’s the way that I get myself motivated.,

It’s also the way I get the wettest. I pretty much just love it when someone can actually keep up with me and push me. I love it. I thrive on it. Let’s see who taps out first? Yes and thank you.

And when I dont have it, I get bored, and I do reckless things.

Kinda like…what I am doing now.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep myself focused and stick to the plan when I am bored?

Something that I have started doing over the last few years, when I finally just accepted that this is part of who I am as a person, and it is what it is… I give myself a challenge. The problem this time is that I don’t have fucking time! Who can handle any more stuff really? Not this bitch.

GUUUYYYYSSS!!! What do I do? The bordem might actually kill me.

I know what I need, and I feel like that is ninety percent of the battle. That last ten percent might actually kill me. Like dead and gone and no longer living, put my head on a stake, use me as a cautionary tale for all those that come after me.

All of that to say that no matter how much you heal, and manifest, and work through your shit, there are days. There are days when it is just self-discipline. You have to be willing to do the work no matter how hard it is. There isnt always some magic sauce (Although I know a few guys who have it….. Fuck maybe I just need to get laid, like yesterday) to make everything better. Sometimes it is just work.

I know what I want, and I am unafraid of what I want. I don’t want to get sidetracked and run off the rails. So I’ll figure out something. I always fucking do.

Becauase I am a bad ass

I am goddess

I am the queen fucking bee.

And NOTHING stands in my way. Nothing stands in the way of my goals, and you can bet your ass I am getting there. One way or another. Even if the next few months are going to be a bitch and a half until things settle down.

Thats okay. I am okay with that. If I can just settle in my mind that this is just what I am going to be doing for the next little while, and find ways of making it good or just bulldozing through. Either way, this is what it is. I am where I am, and quitting my job to hit the road or join the bar scene again would be the opposite of what my family needs. I can only do what I can do.