Good morning lovlies!

Or good…. whatever part of the day you are hanging out in. Lol. It’s morning for me. Three cups of coffee in, more caffeine than I have had in a hot minute… It’s just so fucking good and comforting. Some days I need it. And let’s be so honest… my ADHD needs it. #GiveMeDopamineOrGiveMeDeath

Anyway, today I want to talk about something different. I have this series I am working on, but a simple project just got bigger and bigger and now I am working on siting sources and digging a little deeper… and well, it took on a life of its own. Before I knew it, way more time had passed than was necessary. Sorry about that! I am working on consistency with this.

It’s a challenge because it is truly a creative process for me, and creativity does not like having a schedule naturally. But I’m getting there. Bear with me. In the meantime, let’s get a little vulnerable for a second *Eye roll* Cool? Cool.

Getting what you need.

I am working on my Muludhara, or better known as the Root Chakra. This was my initial way of starting my healing journey. I am so thankful that this is how I did things because it allowed me to understand the way that I hold my energy in my body. It allowed me to go deep and pull the issues I saw popping up in my life at the root and deal with the initial trauma…. that was causing so many other traumas to pile on top. And then the rest just made sense, and guess what? Those things stopped popping up. It allows me ownership of my life, rather than existing in it as a victim. It allowed me to better understand myself and KNOW myself.

The Muludhara is the Foundation. It is the internal I AM. This is, in its healed and open form, the deep understanding that there is nothing to fear. I have needs, and it is okay for me to ask for those needs to be met. It is security and stability.

When it’s blocked, it is the inability to stabilize emotionally or physically, or both. It is cheating on your partner, or getting cheated on. Chronic Chaos. Getting things, then loosing things. Get a job loose a job. Paranoia about your future and bigger entities like the Government, IRS, or CPS. Etc.

Basically, It sucks. The initial wound? Fear. Fear that your needs will not be met.

Generally, this wound happens EARLY on in life. Even at birth. The Western way of having children involves having the very first memory we receive to be of lights that are way too bright, a multitude of people staring at you, that you have no connection to. It’s cold, and devoid of love and nourishment, even if you get that very soon afterward. The needs of that infant are co-regulation and safety. Something that they don’t generally get for quite a bit of time

It doesn’t help that the normal way of parenting is also devoid of co-regulation and understanding. We view children as being this thing that needs constant control, and when that control slips, they are met with domineering, authoritative action. We tend to forget that they are a whole ass person. A person who experiences very real, very big emotions and desires that they are learning how to navigate through our actions toward them. Because it is brand new. And they do not have the veil between the conscious and the subconscious that tells them how to respond to things.

The problem I am having

I want this to be a post where I tell you how to heal, and tell you how brilliant it is. Unfortunately for me, this is going to be just a really raw and vulnerable moment. Thumbs down. I hate this. Do not recommend it.

And the truth is, it is so brilliant. I could tell you how I did it the first time. Which was one hell of a story. It was my very first time doing any kind of Chakra work, and let’s just say… I was curled in a ball on my living floor, sobbing. Then it was more energy work, and yoga, and chanting, and affirmations and all the things. But it was a FUCKING trip dude.

However, I did a tarot pull about the root Chakra, to help me better understand what it was that I was targeting.

And it has to do with growing up poor. We went through a lot of different phases growing up. Times of abundance and times of rather extreme lack. Long story short. I have a rather deep-rooted fear of abundance. I didn’t even know that I had this.

But it has shown up for me over and over again. Again, I didn’t realize that was the problem. I just thought I had this desire to attain my abundance in a very specific kind of way. I was, and truthfully still am, entirely willing for that to take however long it’s going to take.

My mind was so narrowed around abundance. Financially, emotionally, relationally, etc. The thing is, I have even expanded so much in those areas! I have learned and grown so much. and yet, I just simply could not let myself truly have it. Something always came up that made me turn from whatever path I was on.

I didn’t go with the book deal because I didn’t have creative freedom over my own art. Missing out on a GOOD chunk of money and public recognition that would have allowed me new freedoms. I got out of insurance because it was sucking the life out of me despite the fact that I was making more money than I ever had, and there was an opportunity there to make it a whole-ass career. A career that would have given me the six-figure type of income in a very short period of time because I was honestly really good it. I let trauma cloud my ability to interact with someone that I could have actually really loved and had an epic relationship with, rather than just admitting at the moment that I was having a hard time. I was so ready to just let it go. And honestly have.

I am just looking at all those things in a new light now. And more.

Differing thoughts.

This is a hard wound for me to admit exists. Honestly, anything that happens with the Muludhara is hard for me because it requires a level of vulnerability that has always been a challenge for me. There is a part of my mind that still really feels as though those choices were good. Maybe not the relationship one. But the rest were good choices. At least it feels like that to me.

Usually, when I hit a wound, I can see where I went wrong, and I can just admit that those things were so good for me at the moment with what I was facing, but that I no longer needed it.

But they still feel like good choices. Is that true because they saved me from living a life I didn’t want? Or were they good choices because they kept me feeling safe and my Muludhara was blocked? My lack of clarity in this thing is more challenging than I can even express. I know that if I sit down and get into a really good meditative space about it, I can do the fucking thing. I will figure it out. But when I try to meditate, there is so much fear around it, and my mind goes in a HUNDRED different direction.

This is new you guys! And I am not a fucking fan. Healing has always been something that I am so open to and so open to having my mind radically changed. Admitting that I am wrong, and need to work on something is like a fucking cakewalk if I am honest. Personal growth is kind of my jam.

So why is this thing so hard? And why I am so fucking blocked about it? I can’t even get into neutral space, which if I am honest, I typically am really into. More than that in full transparency, I need it daily or I go a little crazy.

I am writing this, and just being honest about it, because my natural reaction is just to sort of let it go. It doesn’t need to be looked at anymore, it causes too much discord. And I am over it.

This is a sentiment that I have been in for a few weeks. This is too hard, and I am overwhelemed, so I am just going to bounce. Bali here I come. Sand, and sun, and working odd jobs to pay for a little apartment on the water. Living out my days in pure simplicity. Forget that I have family, friends, and partners. I LOVE my life. I love the people in my life. I love everything about my life. So why do I want to just bounce because there is a hardship that exists? Why do I want to run away? And is it all aligned? Is this why I felt such a strong desire to realign and work through my chakras again? Does it all come down to this deep-rooted fear that exists inside of me? That abundance is not safe.

Fuck, I need someone to slap me. Or kiss me. Or shake me. Or better yet, just tell me the answer. Because I am pretty sure that my head is going to explode.

Being in it.

I have found that sometimes, I just need to be in the mess for a minute to find my way out of the mess. And as much as I want to say that I have an easy answer for this, right now, I don’t.

So, the only answer I have is to allow myself the space to be in it. Understand that I am going to be uncomfortable for a minute, and get comfortable with that friction. Make friends with it. Understand it better than anyone else ever good. See its nuances, so that I can start to really look at it through a different lens, and allow the healing to happen. I get that. And there are some of you here, that are going to read this, and know exactly what it is that I need to do, and point out the discord, and you are probably right.

The problem that I have with that, and it is something I run into with other people all the time, is that you know it, and it being so obvious to you does not actually help me. It just makes me feel dumb for not knowing my own mind. And that creates a different problem altogether that also exasperates the existing problem.

Having someone else point out my issues can be such a beautiful thing, and I am thankful for those moments when things really do click.

But this is something I need to do for myself. Something I need to find the answers to. And do the work that it requires. There is no getting around it. No right answer. Just work. As much as I would love to run from that work, I know my mind well enough to understand that it is just hard, and I am learning to expand. And really, there is nothing I want more than that. So…. Here we go.

Thank you for reading my little break down. You are amazing.

I think this is going to make a very specific type of person really uncomfortable if I am honest. Any time that I talk about this, whether on social media,. or in my everyday life, I get one of two responses.

1. They look at me like I am crazy, and do not understand real life. Which…. fair, I don’t know your perception of life, and truthfully, if you feel this way about pleasure, then I genuinely don’t want to.
2. The eyes are opened, and they jump in full swing, no backing down. And I honestly love these moments in time, and this ripple effect that it is has. There is something so delicious about seeing someone fall in love with their life.

There really isn’t any in between, which I find to be interesting. Most of the time, people are on a spectrum. Not just with things I say, but in general. But with this, that doesnt seem to be the case.

So lets see!

The problem

*YAAAAWWWNNNNNN* Life is fuck boring!!!

I’m sorry, but not sorry; Life set up in the American way, for most people, is boring as shit. You get up and get ready to go to work. Then you go to work. And then you work. And then you come home and maybe kick back with some people. Maybe you hang out with your family. Eat dinner. Go to bed, so you can get enough sleep to go do it again. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I am supposed to be excited about that.

No, that is Upsetti Speggetti. That is a depression hole. That is… My worst fucking nightmare. I’m not gonna lie.

And not because my life doesn’t look like that at its core. Because really it does… without all the extra. I have a scheduled, driven, pretty intense life.

I tottaly get it.

But let’s face it, when we allow that to be the narrative of our life, it’s not exactly awesome. And let’s be so honest: the mental health crisis we have going on in America is outrageous! Because life is hard, boring, and just downright blah. There is no spark, no joy, nothing that really makes our heart sing.

And should we go into the fuckery of clinging to a romantic partner so hard because they are the only thing that brings real joy? That’s a really good way to have the relationship crumble in the worst way possible. Lets not do that.

Okay?

Cool.

Romantize Baby!

We live in a world where this is the norm. And you can absolutely manifest the life that you want. But so many people don’t realize they are blocking their manifestations, because the energy you need to be in to make yourself energetically aligned with the thing, is not…. bordem.

We are doing energy work around these manifestations. And sometimes we really need to heal our relationship with our current life to get there. I know I know, seems counterintuitive. But what you allow you attract.

You don’t have a really annoying thirty-minute commute to work. You have thirty minutes twice a day to enjoy the scenery, listen to the best music, or catch up on some podcasts. You have thirty minutes to sing too loud, laugh too much, or simply be in silence to rebalance things. Fuck, you may even have thirty minutes to call your girlfriend/boyfriend, or your mom or something. You have thirty minutes twice a day that are all yours.

You do not have to eat better. You are making delicous, fullfilling food that is nourishing to your body, with all the prettiest colors, and clever food combinations that hit so perfectly.

You don’t have to take a shower. You get to reset, refresh, and cleanse the body of old energy. For all my lovely ladies out there, you have a solid twenty minutes to tap into the divine feminine and let the energy penetrate every part of your energy. And for you men, same, but the divine masculine.

Do you see the difference there?

Fall in love with your life.

Fall in love with the simplest things.

And watch yourself bring in the thing you are manifesting. Because you are becoming that version of yourself…. the universe has no choice but to bend to your will baby.

Let it all come from a place of pleasure.

Just a thought.

My pleasure.

Look baby. Just lean in a little closer. Don’t worry I got you.

My pleasure-centered morning routine? Oh, let me tell you. For a long time, I had a list of everything I had to do to have the most successful day—a list made by men by the way. And I just… I am not a man. It was hard and low-key exhausting. Maybe that morning routine will be good for men. I don’t know, but here is how I transformed my morning into something that brings me pleasure and sets the tone for the day, deeply in my feminine.

I did this even when I had littles in my house, I just got up a bit earlier.

So when my alarm goes off, I lay on my back and stretch my body out while I hum softly. Triggering the vagus nerve and bringing my attention back to my body. I practice so much gratitude here and check in with my body. Figuring out what it needs and how I should approach certain parts of my day. Then, I take some time to get myself off. Here’s the deal, I am not doing anything crazy with my pussy at this time. FUCK that. No, this is literally a vibrator on my clit, while drawing my attention to that creative energy housed in the reproductive organs. Obviously, this is a really pleasurable and present moment.

When I am finished there, I get up and open the blinds in my room, letting in the light, go to the bathroom, grab a joint, and get dressed. Then I go for my morning walk, while I smoke. This is usually at least two miles. I like to take my pup with me, and just enjoy the world around me. Talk to the cute old lady who is always sitting on her porch. When It was warmer, I always liked to grab flowers from the guy on the corner, who just put them out on a cart with a donation jar. Whatever feels good here, I do. My littles loved going on the morning walk.

Then, I make a pot of coffee, Journal (Just morning wake up stuff, writing down dreams, Setting my goals for the day, things I need to accomplish. So much graditude.) And then I shower.

My shower routine is a little insane. I like to dim all the lights, and turn on music that really invites the feminine in, or a guided meditation for the same thing. Whatever feels good. But my showers are ALWAYS rituals. Washing away any stagnant energy, and inviting in whatever I would like to hang out in that day. This is a really delicous time. That I absolutely love.

When I am finished, I get dressed and then turn on a podcast (Usually on Spirituality, business, or personal growth), I do my makeup and try to make my hair look somewhat done… It’s always a mess, but I have learned to embrace it. I take my time with my makeup ngl. I look at my face as a work of art, noticing each thing I have to do, and generally doing some glamour magic here. But the podcast is always still going when I am done, so it’s the perfect opportunity to finish it up while I look at my calendar and figure out what I need to do with my day. Making a plan based on my morning check-in with my body, the energy I cultivated in the shower, and the journaling I had done earlier on. While also jotting down some notes about the podcast if needed.

I know it sounds like a lot. But for me, it is so simple, it hits all the things I need it to, and I can flow so easily through it that it really does feel like complete flow and connection with source.

Because that is the goal, pleasure, everything you need to accomplish, and connection with source, this is going to look so different for everyone! DM me if you wanna work on your routines with me! We can totally talk about a plan for that.

It’s Monday, baby! Are you kidding me? I love Mondays.

I am so here for a fresh start.

Fuck there even days that I am like “You know what, we are starting over” Then I go take another shower, and start the day all over again. Not gonna lie, sometimes a reset is needed!

Don’t get it twisted, this is the vibe. Messy hair and all baby! Lets be super fucking honest.

But, that’s not the entire narrative. Did I enjoy my weekend? Fuck yes. I got to cook and clean and hang out with my family/friends. I vegged out one night on the couch with a snack and watched way too much fucking TV and it was AMAZING! Not to mention the nice long bath, and manifesting I did. I feel so good after my weekend, and I am entirely so ready if that was my everyday life.

Getting back on the grind is, like…. not the best. Okay, it really isn’t. Long days with my nose to the grind, doing everything, having to stay focused. Sometimes it’s a bitch dude. Not gonna lie. But…

A change in perspective

Something that I have learned through Pagan religions, and witchcraft, as well as Hindu, and Orthodox Jews, is that every single piece of the puzzle is important, and life is made up of cycles.

There is something that our energy and our minds do when we are really intentional about these cycles. When we move into the flow of life rather than resisting it. It’s just -simply put- easier. Life is easier when you lean into what your life is rather than being a grumpy asshole about it.

Life doesn’t get harder on Monday, we are restarting the cycle. We are in spring! We are in a zone where everything comes alive again, and this energy is yummy. Is it hard to refocus? Yes of course it is. Is it challenging to work when you haven’t had to in two days, and you are feeling so relaxed and refreshed? Of course, it is! But it’s spring, let it be a little simpler. This is the cycle of my life, and we are leaning into it.

Something I think a lot of people like to forget is that manifesting is not saying a few affirmations and doing some energy work. I mean, it’s not only that. That is actually a really important part. But true manifesting is looking into your future, and getting really honest. What does that version of me have that this version of me does not? And then become that person. The only thing standing between you and the dream is time, and in this time, we are preparing.

This looks like developing the habits and mindset, that person has to have. What kind of rituals or routines do they have? It’s time to implement them. And I GARTENTEE that version of you is not moping and griping about having to get back on the grind when the time comes.

How though?

Dude me too.

If it sucks, it sucks, and you will not catch me over here pretending. I am feeling what I am feeling. PERIOD.

So that meant for me, I actually had to find a way to change the energy around Monday.

Lets talk about it.

Monday is a BEAUTIFUL time to get up a little earlier than you would the rest of the week. Don’t whine at me! This is just my perspective. Do with it what you will. But it is. Your entitled to your wrong opinion.

I say this because it gives you more time to fully ground into your day. I use this extra time to do some tarot. Maybe do a little energy work and get that picture fresh in my mind about the future and where I will end up. Drink my coffee slowly. Watch a podcast or something to help get me thinking and excited about my day while I fix my hair and put on my makeup. I’m going to be honest with you: I get up a solid ninety minutes earlier on Mondays.

I am not going to say that’s always easy, but I do it, and I am intentional with that time. I get cozy, I go slow, I warm into the flow, and let myself have whatever I need to get through the week in the right energy.

This is going to look so different for everyone. Maybe you need one last hit before turning off your brain, and you spend that time scrolling TikTok. I don’t know your life. But whatever you do, and whatever the goal is right now, whatever you’re looking forward to, do it with love and care and find a way to make Monday, exactly what it needs to be.

I woke up ninety minutes early and still was barely ready for work on time. But I did it, and I am in the right energy. It was worth every single second.

Vices are amazing.

We love vices.

Or at least I do.

Weed, alcohol, sex, sleep, television, shopping, etc.

They are all delightfully good.

The problem is, these are all distractions. There is nothing wrong with distractions. Sometimes, we need them. Sometimes, the problems are so big, the stress is so all-consuming, and the emotions are so big that distracting the mind for a little while is really a very good thing.

Unfortunately, we don’t tend to leave it there. We just keep giving in to the distractions, using these vices as an excuse not to actually face anything. We have to in order to evolve. We have to be willing to face the harder emotions that feel really big and really hard.

This is a place for deep, deep healing. If you’re not ready for that, no worries! Come back for the next one.

Why?

Remember all my posts about the way we develop, and how we attain our trauma? I’ll link one here just in case you haven’t. I don’t want to explain it all again.

In a nutshell, our minds and bodies are not set up to cope with fear. So, when we experience fear, we create a framework of what is and is not safe. This is pretty hard for future us to cope with because often, the things our minds deem unsafe are the things that will make us the happiest and give us the most pure joy in the future. Anytime this injured part of the mind is triggered, it gives an emotion of sorts. Fear, anger, mistrust, etc. And we use vices to ignore it. and thus, ignore the opportunity sitting in front of us.

In order to grow, and evolve, in order to find true peace, those hard emotions have to be sat with. They need to be understood, so we can find the root and dig that shit out.

No one wants to be broken forever. But facing those things can feel like the biggest and hardest thing we will ever do.

Honestly, I would rather face just about anything than to sit with my own vulnerabilities. There was a point in my life, I was willing to shut down absolutely everything in order to do exactly that. Became a tough, hard, shell of a woman who was in control, and sure of my every move. Blindly sure…. I made a lot of mistakes.

How?

I am not just going to tell you that you need to sit with your demons. Although I am doing that, sit there, make friends with them, get comfortable with being extremely uncomfortable. It’s important. But I am also going to tell you how. Because it is easy to say these things, it is entirely different to actually do them. If you would like to go through this one-on-one, go ahead and shoot me a private message, and we can talk about a one-on-one plan.

The next time that you feel the overwhelming desire to give into one of your vices, whatever that may be, alcohol, weed, TV, etc, pause. Take a moment and check in with your body. Where are you tight, what is happening in your mind? Where is the emotion living?

The really interesting thing is that sometimes, what we are actually feeling is bored and lost, and lonely. There are so many reasons this could be coming up, but the truth is, we do not have to live there. If that is the life you want, then you do your thing. But I will ask you, what do you actually want? Sometimes, dealing with this shit is just being radically honest with yourself, and admitting that you want something entirely different.

When you have an idea of what is happening, turn your attention. This is tricky because everyone is so different. For me, this is getting comfortable physically. I like to grab a blanket and get warm. Find my favorite pen, and my journal, and start writing. Sometimes, for me, it is self-care, like an everything shower, with light peaceful music. Or a walk next to the water, as the sun is going down if I have the option. These are things that would usually bring me comfort, and make me feel physically comfortable.

So before you even attempt this, have a plan.

The actual hard part.

What makes you the most comfortable, the most peaceful? Be ready to do those things in these moments, even if you really don’t want to. The truth is, you may be in this zone for an hour, but you may also be here for days. Everyone is different; every trauma and defining misbelief is different, and the way you relate to it is going to be different. Find comfort through it! Be nice to yourself through it, either way.

Doing something about it? Facing it? Doing what you have to do and being a little more brave about it? Yeah, that shit is fucking hard. In some cases, it is impossibly hard. These things, these emotions, these vices, they are the only thing that makes any sense. The only thing protecting what is undoubtedly a rather squishy heart. So digging a little deeper and truly facing it can feel daunting and big, but it’s really not. It’s a thing that happened. You can’t change it, you can’t make it different. You can’t go back in time. The only thing you can do is admit that it exists and be willing to do something about it.

So then, let your mind settle on the emotion that you are feeling or grouping of emotions. Spend some time with them, and trace the emotion back as far as you can. Not the circumstance you are currently in, but the emotion.

Simple. And yet, challenging, because the biggest part of this, is the way you follow these emotions. There is a lot of shame that comes with this, and a lot of fear and anxiety and a lot of self-hate usually. The trick, that makes that truly work and feel good, is the ability to meet each and every one of those things with love and compassion. Meet it with understanding, with a firm understanding that you are human, and you are seeing these things with so much love and compassion.

Yes this works.

Every time

Objectively.

Then what?

[I feel a need to disclaimer this part, if you are dealing with very big, and really challenging things, and you have the desire to do this, it would be wise to find someone to walk through this with you. Some wounds deserve to be dealt with, with far more care, and love, so you can be met externally, if internally you can’t find it. It’s important to feel ready for something like this and to be really well-grounded. Which will absolutely be the topic of a future blog post]

Now that you know where this comes from. Tell yourself the truth. What is the truth about wherever this comes from? I can say, pretty emphatically, that this will go back to Childhood. Why? That is where all of our core traumas exist. So this often comes with telling the truth about a simple mind that had no veil between the conscious and the subconscious and experienced things at absolute max volume every minute of their day. Good, bad, chaotic, hard, joyful, all of it at one hundred percent. Which means now you do too.

Tricky tricky!

Because our natural desire is to go inward usually. Why you were wrong, and why you deserved it, or that you are just so unlovable that this is okay.

Fuck that.

No.

We don’t do that

We tell the truth. What was really happening?

There is a Toltec wisdom that, when summarized, says to take nothing personal. You can find so much information out there about self-limiting beliefs. But what I love about the Toltec wisdom, is that it wastes no time. They do not bother meeting anyone where they are, but rather get down to the heart of things, and present themselves in their raw honest form. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called The Four Agreements. Highly recommend. I’ll link it below

But, we don’t take anything personally. The things that led to our traumas very rarely had anything to do with us. And everything to do with the agreements the other person had made with the world and about themselves. Truly, they had their own traumas and agreements they had made to survive as well. That’s why going into this with so much love and compassion is crucial. It allows you to get the whole picture.

When you allow yourself to sit with it long enough in this way, this really amazing thing seems to happen. I have experienced this so many times. I have walked with others through this so many times that I can say with my whole chest…. this will happen. Give it enough time. But this shift happens inside of you. Where the emotion is something you recognize as being a part of you, and the way that you exist, but it doesn’t have to run the show.

Because in reality?

That was a thing that happened, and it sucked. It was hard.

But I don’t need this behavior from it. It’s not necessary. I’m smarter now. I understand better now. I have more power now. I do not need that limiting belief.

And If I dont need the limiting belief….

I dont need the safty.

If I dont need the safty….

I don’t need the distraction.

Because the truth is? I’m okay.

Link

Body Print by Dusan Rakic

This actually stopped me dead in my tracks. I found it on Pinterest, of all things. Of course, I was looking for a new bathtime recipe… I like to do magic with my baths… but this lovely piece of art was just sitting there all innocent like it wasn’t about to shake up my entire night.

I just stared for a moment, Unsure what was shifting in me, but man alive, was it shifting. *cough cough* if anyone wanted to drop a few hundred bucks on me, I wouldn’t exactly be sad about it.

The colors, the lines, the raw emotion, the way the city blurs into obscurity. This painting is my vibe for sure, and it’s absolutely stunning.

Story time

The light bulb moment for me was the moment I realized the energy that was coming over me. I’ve only experienced this energy a few times in my life. It’s elusive for me, and yet I chase it constantly. Every time I get close, well… we add another thing. But it reminded me of one time in particular.

I had this experience when I lived out in the country down south. I had no neighbors at all (which, by the way, is one of the most freeing things in the world, and I cannot wait to get back to it), and we were having a classic late spring storm. Let me tell you, a southern storm is entirely different than what we experience up here in the PNW. The rain comes down in the biggest droplets, there is usually thunder and lightning, and when the wind comes in…. girl. #Fullstop

But I had just taken my pup on a nice long, like four-mile walk while the storm had calmed down a bit. So I could make sure he was well exercised, poor guy was used to basically living his life outside with me most days. But of course, the rain started right in the last half mile of that walk. So, I turned off the device that keeps a perimeter around us (He was always off-leash, and I just used an electric fence that would beep when he got too far away) and let him run home, because of course, the thunder started up to, and despite his name, Thor is terrified of the thunder.

He ran, and thankfully, I could see him get underneath the covered porch of the house. I could feel myself at this point being drawn to do something else entirely. But, like, I had a job to do. When I caught up to him and let him into the house, I got him all dried and gave him a chew toy. He went and curled up next to the fire I had going in the wood stove. And once everything was quiet again, this overwhelming desire to go back outside came over me like none other. At this point in my life, my days were all intuitively led, so I was really in ‘flow’ pretty much no matter what I was doing or what was going on. Which really means I was used to that intuitive pull, I had been practicing it all day, every day.

By the time I got back out there, though, the sun was setting, leaving the scene this dark sort of muddled shade of grey. The rain had picked up so thickly that small streams of water were already forming in the dirt road. I took a deep breath on the porch, protected from the worst of it, and let the smell of wet earth and rain fill me to the brim. Grounding myself there. There is truly nothing like a really good storm in the south.

The thought process behind all my clothes coming off? I am not even really fucking sure when I had made that choice. One minute I was breathing deeply, the next, I thought, “Fuck it” and all the clothes were coming off. I ran into the storm, fully naked, and just stood there, my face lifted to the sky as the water instantly soaked me entirely. It’s worse than getting into a shower… walking out in a storm like that. It is instantaneous. The lightning kept cracking right over me (Yes, it was a close storm, no, this was not safe; I am so aware, and it was worth it), casting light through my eyelids occasionally. It felt raw and powerful. Like all the power that was coming down upon the earth was coming right through me.

Enigmatic, stunning, absolutely brilliant.

But that is not even the energy that I am talking about. After a moment, I kept getting this word pounding through my head. Surrender. I didn’t even know what that meant in this context. I was just standing in a storm, totally naked and enjoying this energy that Mother Nature had provided. To me this is surrender. What could I possibly need to do to surrender?

I ended up moving over to the grass and sat down, letting my head lift back up to the sky, never having left that grounded, really heightened, good energy. I was absolutly in love. And I just meditated on surrender. Didnt try to force the thought in any direction, just let myself be fully present with the idea.

And this weird thing happened. I never really figured it out, but I was calm. The energy had settled inside of me. Still just as powerful, but it was as if it was a part of me, not just moving through me anymore. I smiled into the storm, beyond thankful and allowed. Surrendered, let this big energy have a home inside of me, and just…. sat there. It’s a hard thing to explain, really. But it was as if I could just be there with all of it. Entirely in the moment. Soaring, and yet grounded, chaotic, and yet peaceful, frightened at times, in the biggest fucking way… especially when the thunder would hit so hard it felt like the earth was shaking, and the lightning would strike at the same time… and yet calm.

I could hold so many realities at the same time. So many powerful things, and I could just be with them. It was an amazing experience. A different level of surrender. A beautiful, expansive, and delicious level of surrender.

My thoughts

So anyway. That’s the story of how I figured out what I have been chasing for the last few months. I didn’t know what I was looking for, and I think that’s a lot of the reason that this season has been so tumultuous. Why can’t I seem to settle? Because I was fighting for something that didn’t have a name. Surrender, truly, and fully. Though…. That sure sounds a lot easier in theory than in actual practice.

Thanks Dusan Rakic. For clearing a few things up for me.

It’s 2025 baby!

Y’all, here we are, and I could not be more thankful for 2024. It was hard and transitional, and so much changed; it’s insane, but here we are. No matter where you are starting from, this year can be an amazing one.

The thing is, I am starting this year in a dark place. I am always going to be really straight up with you, and right now, my life is a little crazy, and I am getting it from all sides. When I tell you that my showers have become like an hour long, I mean it! Nothing quite like the hot water to wash away all the nonsense.

That’s reality though, isn’t it? Nothing seems easy when you are on the cusp of something amazing. It’s usually pretty shit if I am honest. Right now is no different for me at all, I am in the thick of it. And so many others are to. If you are, I am standing here with you baby, let’s get through this. If you’re not, I am overjoyed by your fortune, and pray it continues.

No matter where you are starting, or what is going on in your life, this year, in 2025, we are achieving. This is the year for us to get the things we have been striving for and wanting and working so hard for. This is the year that the tables turn. I can feel it in my jellys.

What to expect

This part of the blog is very much about setting up the tone of how I want to move forward, and the kind of things that you can expect from me this year. I don’t love making blogs like this. It feels like it holds very little value for you as the reader. But here’s the deal, I want to bring you into the know a little bit. And hold myself accountable for the things I say I am going to do. ADHD at its finest – If I don’t make a big deal of it, then I am going to forget. It’s not even that I give up on those things, my mind just gets lost in all the other stuff, and slowly but surely, those things become less and less important, and I forget. It’s ridiculous. But I always say, the more you know yourself, the more you know yourself. And this is no exception.

I am making a few commitments to myself this year.

1. No casual relationships. This one is a bitch for me. There is nothing wrong with relationships that are simple in nature, and that you just simply exist in without the pressure of going long-term, or building a life together. These relationships have been some of the most beautiful, and rich, and genuinely helpful and life-giving to me. But this year is all about focus and I am building the life I want. This means, finding my forever people. And I can’t do that if all my time is spent with casual.
2. One business, or personal development book, for every fun book. Look, I am a reader. I closed out 2024 having read 57 books. Only four of them were for business or personal development. Could you imagine if I had read 25 books, genuinely applied the material, and let it grow me? Fuck, dude. I want that level of growth in 2025. Please and thank you.
3. Letting myself be intuitively led. Listen. I am a creative being, and my intuition is generally fucking on point. I’ve learned to trust it emphatically unless it directly applies to me. Why? Because I am a rebellious bitch sometimes, and the idea of acting or not acting on something that makes so much sense to me, just because I get a little turn in my stomach, or I have a thought is actually fucking wild. But as I said, my intuition is very rarely wrong, and while I have allowed myself the freedom of listening in a lot of areas, I want to open myself up a little more.
4. Grow my fucking blog! I have been so satisfied with the little audience that I have built. It’s not huge, but it’s full of people that I have come to just simply adore. Yall are the fucking shit. Keep those private messages coming baby, I want them (Although you guys, why is the comment section so fucking bare? Work with me here) But, I want to grow, and I want this to be more of a priority for me. Writing is my happy place, and if I can have a stream of income doing this, then I would like that to become my reality. So our little fam here is going to be growing. Yes, and thank you!
5. Then I have a few for the buisness I am currently in the process of purchasing. And some micro habits I am working on.

How to figure out what your goals are.

I really wish that five years ago someone would have made this clear to me, and taught me how to create goals. I find it so frustrating that everyone is so quick to say that you need to make them, and stick to them, but what does that actually look like? I had to figure it out on my own. I am sure there are a million ways to this, and the way that I do it is not right for everyone but, I can still share, and maybe itll resonate with some of you.

1. Meditate.

Take some time, and get quiet, clear your mind. Now I don’t mean to sit like Buddha and hum. That’s not the kind of meditation I am talking about. This is a powerful tool for certain things. But with this, well, there is no way that I would be focused on what I want in the future. This would go spiritual fast. No. Instead, find something that you can do to clear your mind, and let it wonder about the future, and what you would like your life to look like.

Get detailed about this. What does that version of you do in the morning? What do they do throughout the day, what do those habits look like? What job, or lack thereof, do they have? What are the simple pleasures they enjoy? What kind of clothes do you wear? All of it.

If you can’t answer this… STOP. Your goal is to learn yourself. I don’t make the rules, that is just how it is. I’ll put that process in another blog. But seriously, your manifestations, your goals, the relationships you want, all of it, are not going to work, because you’re aligning with something that isn’t for you. Because you don’t even know you!

2. Write that shit down

Write it down, print pictures, do whatever you have to do to lock in the energy, know it, and make friends with it. That is the key. Because this is the why. This energy, this love, and abundance, and joy, the dream, that is the why. If you can attach genuine emotion to it, you are more likely to be able to manifest that reality.

3) Compare.

The ouch generally comes in here, and it gets really overwhelming. Whether it is just a few things you need to change or a whole heaping lot. It’s important to know. Because this list becomes the blueprint to reach the goal. Find so much love for yourself in these moments. Especially if its a lot. This is not a list of failures. It is just the truth, with no moral attachments. It is hard to rewire our brains at this moment. It really is, and i totally get it. But even if you have to stop every couple of minutes, and do the energy work, say the affirmations – I don’t even care what you do, to change it; but deal with the emotion, and turn it over to the new thought process. Something we are leaving in 2024? Being an asshole to yourself. Cool? Cool.

Something important to understand is that no matter what the goal is, whether it’s business, relationships, body composition, or travel – all of it, starts with you. The thought processes, habits, and energies that you allow. You can’t know what it going to bring in the goal, the dream, the manifestation, without first knowing what you allowing into your energetic field. The list is important.

4. Recap

At this point you not only have your goals, that you can pull from the meditative time. Whatever that life was you just pictured, figure out key points, and get those set in stone. That’s the goal. but you have a list of every single habit you need to start taking on. Every thought process needs to change. And these can be your baby steps.

It really is that simple.

I am so excited about the Beaver Full Moon coming up. I swear every moon I get so excited about for so many different reasons. But this one feels so in alignment with life right now, and the cycles that I am walking through right now. Sometimes, I have to find my way to the energy of the universe. Sit with it long enough that I can tap in and ground into the natural cycle of life. Usually, because I am not grounded enough in general.

But I have been steadily losing myself to the natural rhythm of life in such a real way, that I am noticing that energy flowing so naturally! Yall, I am over the fucking moon excited about this. Because it is something that I have been actively working on for a long time. sweet victory. *She says with a fist pump.*

So lets talk about it.

The Beaver Moon.

The beaver moon was originally named by northwest Pacific native tribes. It got its name because this was the time they would start putting out their beaver traps before the water started to freeze or move slower. The vibe around this moon calls for release and refresh. Preparing for the colder months, stocking up what could weather the freeze, and getting rid of anything that wouldn’t. This is late work by candlelight, deep conversation in the early morning, (The dark is an excellent place to go inward and reflect after all) the pattering of little feet in layers of fur, and the hustle of getting ready.

This is a time of releasing anything that will not weather the next phase of life. The power of this amazing moon lays in reflection. Taking a good hard look at life, and allowing the energy of release to infuse your life. No this is not a time of great action based on intuitive thought. This is a time to let the energy permiate. Look at your day. What feels right? What feels like it needs to go?

This looks like, ‘Does my morning routine ignite the feminine/masculine energy I need to get through my day’. This looks like ‘My interaction with the people around me, do I like those? Are they lifegiving?’. ‘This thing that I do, is keeping me from my goals, it feels stagnant, how can I remove this’

We are taking stock of the little things. The things we miss through the rest of life and transitions. But here lays true power. The power to only keep that which serves you, and get rid of everything that is keeping you from being the person you want to be.

What are we doing?

Ritual work! Release those habits that are holding you back. Release the relationships that are not making your heart happy. Rituals are amazing for this.

Heart felt conversation with someone you care about.

Ferment foods, or make tinctures, for the colder weather coming up. This is a great way to ground in the energy. Sickness? No, that does not get us where we are going. Let’s make sure we have enough medicine to get through the flu season. And of course, have all the yummy things we need to keep the gut microbiome healthy.

Take a fucking walk. What is people’s aversion to this? Get up, go outside, spend time in the quiet, and ground yourself in nature, the feeling of going inward. Great time to reflect.

Practice deep breathing. Focusing on feeling rooted and secured.

Practice looking at the resources you do have, and become deeply rooted in the thankfulness of those things. Gratitude journaling is really good for this.

Beavers work collectively. This is an amazing time to reach out to loved ones and share intentions, and connect with them. Make sure those relationships are sitting where they need to.

Now is the time to Hygge the fuck out of your home. Warm blankets, pine, cedar, or cinnamon-scented candles, or incense. Slippers, cozy pillows, Journals, yummy pens, tea, and comforting foods. Its time to create that cozy, settled, reflective energy in your home. This is a good time to do your fall decorating if you’re into that as well.

Beavers are master builders. This means their foundations are sturdy as hell. Take time to reflect on the foundations you’re laying in your own life. Journal the goals or “foundations” you want to set. This is a good time to muster up that 5 sense manifestation technique. Sometimes starting with the end in mind, allows you to see what is not working in your life now.

Just incase

Incase you need to release some Shame https://elizabetheternal.com/objectively-healing-shame/

Incase you need a little reminder about what this is all for. https://elizabetheternal.com/the-action-of-evolving-2/

In case you wanna dive into moon things https://www.timeanddate.com/moon/phases/

In case you want somewhere to start with astrology https://www.astrology.com/planets/moon

You read that right. There is joy in rock bottom

I said what I meant, and I meant what I said.

The thing is, nothing is inherently bad or inherently good. Everything is neutral until given context. I mean EVERYTHING. Drugs? Neutral. Sex? Neutral. Love? Neutral. And rock bottom is truly neutral.

The reason we have so much sadness there, and it feels so impactful is because all of our trauma, defining misbeliefs, and insecurities are being poked and prodded by absolutely everything in our lives. Even if that is simply loneliness.

Life is school. Everything in life is a reflection of yourself. The energy that you hold, is the energy you will attract. So when things are happening, it is a direct reflection of what is inside. And that can be a really fucking scary place to meet yourself at.

So, why is this joyful.

I say all of that like it’s the easiest thing in the entire world. Like being faced with everything broken and unhealed in you is easy as pie. It’s not. I know that. I have faced enough of my demons, chased down my own patterns, and been in enough extraordinarily dark places, to know that there is nothing fun about that.

Fun and joy are two different things. Maybe it is because I am a writer, and I love a really good story. But at the end of the day, there is nothing like a really good redemption arch. There is nothing as beautiful and raw and delicious as someone who is in a space that is uncomfortable and left with the choice to face it or drown.

We all struggle to face the truth when our life looks pretty good. When there is a relationship, and a job, and we are surviving. The truth is, we choose these things and cling to them with a death grip, because deep down, we believe that survival is all there really is. But when even that goes, when everything is stripped away, and its just you standing there, you can see clearly where you went wrong.

All the things you didn’t want become so clear. What is even better, is when you can look at it long enough to realize WHY you chose it. And then take the time to heal that part of you, to choose something different. That is joyful, that is beautiful, that is true and undeniable love.

Love

Loving yourself enough to find joy and pleasure in every area of your life is a hard thing to accomplish. I am not going to lie to you. It feels damn hard because when you find yourself at rock bottom, its easy to dip into self loathing. When you start to see all of the things you have done to get you to this point, and take ownership of your life, its far to fucking easy to dip into self blaming.

The thing is, you sucked sometimes, yes. I sucked sometimes. Sometimes… I still do. That is again a beautiful part of being human. It’s all a part of the experience. If you can find love for the part of you that does shitty things, you also find the love for healing it.

That is the crazy thing about life. All the jobs and the careers, the relationships, the break ups, the swings that feel like your stomach may fall out of your body, all of it… it all comes down to love.

Self love, the love for others. And rock bottom is the place you find true unconditional love for yourself. There is joy in that. All you have to do is find it.

But what the fuck do I know? I am just a woman trying to make it.

Objectivly healing shame is tottally possible.

If shame is something you’re ready to battle. There are so many ways to battle it. There are objective ways that work for everyone. I truly believe that. But doing things this way was easier for me, allowed me to grow in more ways than one, and gave me the tools I needed to go deeper and understand better. The underlying idea is objective! So make it work for you!

May work for you. May not. We are all so different, and those differences are a good thing. My example was one of the easiest for me to be honest, there were a lot of situations that I had to grapple through, and that was a lot harder. But trust me when I say it works for EVERYTHING. We are healing shame objectively. It won’t be easy, but it is an easy process.

And hey, if you wanna work through something like this with me, I would love to help you out with this journey, book a one-on-one with me. https://elizabetheternal.com/creating-the-feminine-energy/

I had so much shame around the fact that I smoked weed.

But why did I have shame about that?

Its a natural plant. One that I still indulge in fairly regularly. Not like I did before. I am not looking to get fucked up. I just want to be able to function when I am in pain, and sleep well.

There was so much shame around Weed, that when I said to myself “This could help me with pain, and could make it easier for me to sleep. This could help me avoid narcotics and muscle relaxers.” Which by the way, I am really good at becoming dependent on…. It still took me two more years of suffering in silence and forcing myself to do things I shouldn’t have in order to avoid smoking a little bit of weed.

It got to the point that even when I did ‘give in’ and used it, I would have insane paranoia. Now I use that word lightly here. Because that is the technical term for it. But if felt more like anxiety. I would be worried about whether or not I was doing the right thing. What if someone needs me? Or what if someone calls me, and I feel like I have to answer, and then they will know that I smoked because I will be more relaxed than I usually am and then they will think that I am not doing well and I will have to explain my choice… and I really do not want to do that.

Shame. So much shame for simply doing something that was genuinely helping me. But let me make something so clear, even if I just wanted to be a little stoned because it sounded nice, there still shouldn’t be shame. But I digress. We are talking about healing Shame objectively.

Get on track Elizabeth!

So the the thing that was helping me, was not even an enjoyable thing, and I got sucked back into the same shame cycle.

But I could not tell anyone that was what was happening. Hell no! I am not that weak. I don’t need it damn it! Just be a little stronger next time, make sure you smoke a little less, and put more parameters around something that should just be a thing that I used responsibly because I am allowed to do things, simply because they are pleasurable.

I traced it way back. Gained a bit of polarity over the situation. I asked myself a few questions.

The Questions. Bum bum buuummmm

-What is the objective truth about this situation.

Or What is the objective truth about weed?

My answer – It’s morally neutral. This is a plant, that is used in a lot of ways and has been used in medicine for thousands of years by many different cultures. The morality of it comes in by the way it is used, and the way it affects your life and loved ones. It can be used as a crutch. It can be used to escape. You can get yourself into trouble with it. But it is not just that. There is a positive side. The morality lives in the responsibility of the person partaking.

-I still feel shame. Why? When did I first feel this way.

Or, I am experiencing shame surrounding using this tool. Why? When did I first feel this way about Weed? Do I view it as a drug the same as meth or Coke? Is this really just not a good choice for me for some reason, and if so, what is that reason? (Yes I know that’s a lot of questions all at once. I’ve been doing this hot second. the meditation on this sort of thing is easier now. Start simple.)

My answer – I traced it back to a specific instance when I was in the church. And a man who had been smoking for a few years confessed his ‘sin’ to the church. He was ridiculed for the wrong he had done, shamed, and belittled by a room full of people. They kept saying his actions were “Selfish” And that the use of it “Proved his distance from God”. In the same event, they praised him relentlessly for stepping away from it.

Looking back… this man had four kids, a full-time job, and many hobbies outside of his home. He invested in his children and would take one of them on some sort of outing solo every week so that he could have one-on-one time with each of them. Was seriously involved with his family. Was excelling in his position at work, and at the end of the day would relax with a joint, this felt like a serious overreaction. But I digress.

This didn’t feel like the root of it though. Just another branch of a deeper issue, so I dived deeper.

LOOOOng story short, I had associated needing help calming down, with being weak. Anything that was a crutch, a coping skill, or even needing a hug after a long day, was shameful and proved I was not a strong being. This was confirmed in my young adulthood by seeing a man who was using it as a tool, be ridiculed and shamed for needing help relaxing.

-Is that objectivly true?

My answer- No I didn’t deserve it when I was a child. He didn’t deserve it as an adult.

So now its time to talk about it.

It was at this point that yes, talking about the shame, felt really wrong, and I didn’t want to talk about it still, but It made it possible for me to do the thing. To just say it. Weed wasn’t the issue. Feeling like it was shameful for me to not have it one hundred percent together, one hundred percent of the time, was the cause. My not being in my feminine energy, and allowing myself to be soft, vulnerable, and beautiful for exactly what I am, was the cause.

What is so much more amazing, is that when I did, I realized how many people I knew also needed to talk about it. How, when I released my shame, I was helping other people do the same thing. It allowed for deeper connection with others, and for deeper truth and honesty to enter my relationships, platonic or otherwise. I was getting the mushy ooey gooey curse all over everything anymore.

And you know what else? I got to take a nap! I was able to have pain days, and still function and do the things I love, without wanting to to cry anymore. I was a little more free. I am a little more free.

So..

I am so going to drop some yummy comfortable things down below, that I now indulge in fucking shame-free. Things that I would have said are over indulgent and I don’t need them because that is for weak women. But also some tools I think could be helpful.

https://amzn.to/3VYJvYn – Heating pad

https://amzn.to/3zkJi92 -Seriously so good.

https://amzn.to/3RK5KP1 – Fuckless book. Delicous read

https://amzn.to/3VFBTbV – Pain killers.

https://amzn.to/3ziX4c7 – Law of attraction may as well be a classic at this point. It will help.

Shame is a curse, and the rule of the curse is you can’t talk about it.

I heard this line from a woman named Mami Onami. I have honestly learned, healed, and grown so much from her, go check her out. https://www.mamionami.com/safehouse I’ve taken a few of her courses as well when they were doing a monthly subscription. And… well… go take them.

This particular line has been running through my head on repeat. Shame is a POWERFUL thing that we are all carrying on some level. It’s a massive Charka block. For me, shame was and is something I struggle with, because it was weaponized a lot through my formative years, and heavily reinforced through my young adulthood. Of course, in typical human fashion, I was amazing at self-perpetuating it through the rest of my life. At least until the last few years.

When it was explained to me like that, something just clicked. It snapped into place for me, in a way I can’t explain. Shame is a curse. It infects everything. Dripping its oozy gross self all over every relationship, every quiet moment, and every behavior. Once I saw it like this, noticing the gross invader became easy. I could see that Shame was a curse plain and simple.

That does not mean that dealing with it is easy. Because it is one thing to know there is a curse, its another to actually do something about the curse.

And the funny thing is, the rule of the curse, is you can’t talk about it. Shame is really good at staying inside. Because it wouldn’t be a problem if you didn’t have a problem talking about it. This proved to be true for me. Talking about it, felt like there was a little gremlin sitting in my chest, refusing to let me breathe and stomping around my insides until I felt like a pulverized piece of meat. If that doesn’t sound dramatic I don’t know what it is.

But its the truth.

The big giant emotions around this could be exasperated by the fact that I am an Aries. And you know us aries, always worried about the way we are perceived.

Dealing with the Curse.

Dealing with this block or the curse of shame, has made me a far nicer person though. Because for me, I had to get to the bottom of it. I couldn’t just talk about the things I was ashamed of, there was no amount of trying to force myself to do it that was going to work. I had to understand why I felt that way, and I had this desire to prove that it was all just so bad for me to ever talk about and that I was right to hold it in.

I even had the thought that I could be the one person who could hold things in, and carry the shame, but also release the block. The pride in me was just too fucking much. I cringe at myself a little now.

Getting to the bottom of things, forced me to look at myself and admit that something was wrong in the first place! Admitting that there were parts of me, whole ass parts of my personality, of my life, of my past, and coping skills, that I pretty much liked to pretend didn’t exist. To accept them as a part of myself.

To accept them as a part of myself meant that I had to admit I was being judgmental about other people who were struggling with the same thing. Remember, that everything you judge you’re secretly jealous of. Which made me look at people and the human experience very differently.

People with addictions are hurting. People who don’t get their shit together, are getting exactly what they need from life. People still hanging out in religion, are not prepared to leave yet, they may never. And they are getting exactly what they need.

Go check out this page if you want to schedule one-on-one time to go over this more in a way that is personal to you. Or if you just want a safe place to talk about it. https://elizabetheternal.com/creating-the-feminine-energy/

So yeah.

Theere is just to much I wanna talk about on this subject. So come back for part two.

Also, for all my lovlie feminine energies out there. You do not need these things to heal, you really don’t. But if you are going to embark on something like this, please protect and nurture the feminine energy through this. It’s easy to dip too far into the masculine when dealing with structural energies. I’m going into that in the next post.

Do it like a women damn it!

So these are a few things that gave me comfort and reminded me to go slow. You do what you need to do.

https://amzn.to/3VWAdvI -Cozy blanket.

https://amzn.to/3VDxiXE -Warming things.

https://amzn.to/4evL2w6 – Crystals