Working through fear

This is what I mean when I say my root chakra is going through it. When you are spiritually awakening, or manifesting big, or stepping into a new version of yourself, every single chakra is going to be affected. I know for me, this time, I am turning a lot of attention to my root, because the thing holding me back is fear. Fear is the wound of the Muldhara (Root Chakra).

I am terrified, but the thing is, I am not even terrified that I won’t be able to do it. I am going to make it happen, one way or another; that is not the problem. The problem is allowing myself to be perfectly seen while I am still imperfect. It’s realizing that this is real life, having fear. It’s not just me, but for everybody. No one likes to talk about the hard stuff. Only promising you the light at the end of the tunnel. But that is why I want to show everything. The good and the bad and the ugly, because this is real life when you are shifting realities.

Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls was one of my favorite songs growing up. It was always this badge of honor that I wore, because fuck pop, I’m a moody bitch. But the truth behind that was the line “I don’t want the world to see me, cuz I don’t think that they’d understand.” That line spoke to me in the most amazing kind of way. It made it okay that I was scared. Gave me something to believe so that I could justify keeping myself hidden when there were parts of me that yearned to be seen and understood. I spent a lot of time being misunderstood. Still do. I’m hard to read. And just because I now know that I am a 5/1 profile in human design and that is literally my reason for existence, it doesn’t make it easier. Because the fear says, I would rather never be seen, than to have them not understand.

I say all of this for two reasons. One, for me. Because I am never going to get passed it, if I don’t admit that it exists and work through it. But also for you. So that you know, there is something underneath your self-sabotage. There is a reason you don’t believe you’re powerful enough to get to where you are going. There is a defining misbelief, set in stone when you were so young, that says this thing is scary. And your nervous system disregulates, and takes you out of alignment. So, as you are leveling up, as you are manifesting, these are things that are going to hold you back. I know it did for me…. for many years. But I refuse to continue the pattern.

Today, as I had that fear start to bubble up, I sat in it. And I made art with it. I used it. And that feels damn good.